How do I deal with a Loved one who has an Addiction?

Caring about someone with a dependency creates a heavy emotional burden. It is natural to feel completely exhausted while navigating their recovery journey and maintaining a sense of sanity for yourself. You are not alone in this complicated struggle. Many individuals feel isolated during these turbulent times. However, getting support for yourself makes a significant difference in your personal well-being.

The Impact of Addiction on Family Members

Although there may only be one person experiencing addictions, the consequences ripple through the entire family. Regardless of your relationship before the addiction, their actions will change every aspect of your family’s dynamics in a number of different ways.

• Helplessness and guilt – unable to effect any change or improvement, guilt for setting boundaries and protecting yourself and other family members
• Anxiety and Fear – worrying about their health, safety, emotional well-being as well as your own
• Isolation and Loneliness – tendencies to hide family secrets from others leads to strained and even terminated external relationships
• Codependency or Enabling – the family members takes on responsibility for the addict’s behaviors, a need to fix or control the addict, can also present as taking on a parental role of the addict
• Trauma and Distrust – addict’s behavior is often underlined with lying and deceit, generalizing to other aspects of their relationships
• Financial Strain – every addiction has a financial consequence, ranging from minimal impact on discretionary funds to the need to file bankruptcy

What Should I do with/for an Addicted Loved One?

It feels like an impossible situation, knowing how to navigate all the moving parts that come with loving someone with an addiction. Here are some options to help you walk this thin line:

• Use ‘I’ statements. Understandably, you are angry and worried about their actions and how it affects your family. It’s always appropriate to share these feelings, there are ways to word those concerns without escalating the situation. For example ‘You gambled away the mortgage payment, you don’t care about us at all!’ will only serve to raise tension, as well as shame. Instead, try ‘It feels like you don’t care about us when you gamble. It’s very hurtful.’
• Be intentional about when you bring up the issue. While they are under the influence for drug and alcohol addictions is clearly not the way to go. It’s important that all parties start in a calm state. When we our emotional, we are unable to hear or think logically. Your words and energy will not only be wasted, it will often escalate into a heated argument. If/when tensions start to rise, agree to table the discussion until you are both level headed again.
• Present options for treatment, rather than ultimatums. In order for any therapy to be effective, regardless of the diagnosis, the client needs to agree and want to participate, needs to see a need for change. Laying out different levels of care allows your loved one to feel empowered and in control, making it more likely that they will follow-through. Ultimately, whether or not they seek treatment is up to them. It’s up to you how involved you are with their life.
• Share with how their behaviors effects you, other loved ones and your life together. When an addiction take holds, they are less able to clearly see the consequences of their actions. Instead they are consumed with that next dopamine hit and ignore the negative impacts. Remind them of what they are missing out on.

What should I do for Myself?

You know that you need to set boundaries, to put on your oxygen mask first, however, it’s never quite that simple. I can be helpful that you are not responsible for their behaviors, or their recovery. You are responsible for yourself and your children.

• Boundary setting – You can bring a horse to water, but can’t make them drink. You can offer treatment options, supply them with resources and address barriers, but if they are going to get help it will be of their own will. Do not take on the responsibility for them following through, or not liking the choices. They may tell you otherwise, even put the blame on you for their failure, however, it is not your fault.
• Loving is different than enabling – They are in your life for a reason, that doesn’t just turn off when they become an addict. Enabling means allowing for their behaviors to continue without consequence – covering for them, paying their debts, taking on their responsibilities. Love means that you still care for/about them and their well-being, without providing them an easy way to continue using.
• Be honest with yourself – Only take on responsibility for what you can control – how you respond to them and the impact of their behaviors. You have no control, and little influence, beyond that.
• Find your own support – Find a therapist for yourself, look into support groups for loved ones such as Al-Anon. Take time for your own hobbies and interests such as social events, exercising, getting outside, or quiet time for yourself.
• Recognize caregiver burnout – persistent fatigue, irritability over minor frustrations, social withdrawal are some of the symptoms. When you notice them, make an extra effort to do something for yourself that is rejuvenating.

Not only will these behaviors help you, they will help your loved ones learn how to care for themselves.

You’re Not Alone. Our Therapists are here to help, in Pearland, TX.

Hang in there. This won’t last forever, even if some days feel like it might. You’re planting the seeds for future blossoms. All our therapists at Blue Horizon Counseling offer sessions both in person and via telehealth.  Find the right therapist for you. We accept most major insurance plans.

Written by Heather Dunn, Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Supervisor, specializing in trauma, dissociation and EMDR. Heather has been practicing for over 20 years and enjoys sharing her knowledge and helpful tips.

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